PREFACE:  While in the service there were circumstance when we were told to make preparation for “just in case.”  Those of you that read “About Us” will know that Patti’s mother later admitted to hiding my letters; when asked if she still had them the answer was maybe.  The letters were never found.  I wrote my first letter to Patti telling her how much I cared for her and that I was falling in love with her.  I wrote of the pleasure in holding her and how much the touch of her hand made my life worthwhile.  We had been together by sneaking around when she was fourteen but we never revealed it to anyone, it wasn’t the same.   Then, at last, that summer of ’68 when I came home on leave we were allowed to “be.”  I was in heaven; I had been in love with her since I first met her at thirteen.  But I never told her.  Oh, how I wish I had. The long kiss goodbye was difficult as my orders were for PBR Vietnam; however, those orders were short-lived as I was soon reassigned.  I wrote and never got a letter in return.  I never got an answer from Patti–I was heartbroken.  I wrote the second letter a hundred times because I apologized for being so forward, I just didn’t know what to do.  Then my assignments became more difficult; thus, the “just in case box” for the one we loved.  This poem was in the “box.”

 
1969 “Patti Please Read First” (Written March 1969)

 

Looking around the room I think of another lonely day,

I’m surrounded by the things I thought I threw away,

Crumbled letters fill my trash can and seem to stay,

The words of apologize are laced with love I tried to say,

 

Over and over each day it grinds through my aching head,

I’ve had several events now when I shoulda been dead,

Lost chances playing over and over is something I dread,

There’s ghosts in my mind now that haunt me in my bed,

 

Scabs of recent injuries I’ve endured will scar over soon,

The scars on my heart may soon be my heart’s doom,

Another sheet awaits words but I’m filled with gloom,

As usual it will be thrown to the corner of the room,

 

You’ve done what no other has been able to do to me,

I’m a captive to your essence with no chance to be free,

Taken in whole I’d say I’m as miserable as I can ever be,

Sorry for what I said isn’t enough phrase for you to see,

 

Ink stains the paper where the pen hasn’t moved in awhile,

I look at the enlarged picture I made that’s only your smile,

Beer and corn I’m drinking is no help but brings up my bile,

I was empty before summer when you invaded my lifestyle,

 

I’m so sorry, self-inflicted heartache is something I know well,

No girl or woman has done this to me, I guess it’s time I fell,

I have this stolen photo that I swear captured your smell,

My heart’s wide open and bleeding, I’m not doing very well,

 

Six long months I’ve lived this way with my heart undone,

Do I raise my arms in surrender and say my heart is done,

My arms were wide open in hopes of holding only one,

Never have I looked at love in this way with anyone,

 

I’m so irresponsible in protecting my heart it seems,

So many things I thought would go away including dreams,

My walls papered with copies of your picture is a bit extreme,

I don’t need to be loved but the need won’t leave my self esteem,

 

I’ve endured the empty mailbox so long they gave me a nickname,

“No mail Pat” was a question but asked so often it became my name,

Tears openly fell when it was said as a joke, but it hurt just the same,

I guess I may be a loser but if I am then what is this horrible game,

 

If I am a loser how is it I was once in the arms of she I so sought,

I’ve played games and won but this game of hearts hurts me a lot,

One golden memory of her lips on mine is my moment never forgot,

Yes, rich of that gold but was that treasured kiss all my life will allot,

 

In a long deep kiss I found the man I thought might be inside,

Horses couldn’t pull him out but you did what others had tried,

I never wanted it this way my hopes were you would be my bride,

It’s not what I do, yet after our goodbye kiss I broke down and cried,

 

I have healing wounds from the awful things they’ve had me do,

Inside my being I have severely open wounds from losing you,

Still I will carry love forever because only you can get me through,

The wounds in my heart can only be nursed back to health by you,

 

I’m so irresponsible to think you’d fallen for me like I had done,

Soon I will walk out the door to misfortune or to come undone,

If only I could tell you eye to eye you would understand me some,

Holding your hands after kissing I would say you’re the only one,

 

My mind is surrounded by my heart and it surrounds me too,

There are so many things anymore that make me so blue,

All my belongings in life are covered with words for you,

My box of instructions tell my father what he should do,

 

There’s a poem inside the box saying give to Patti if I’m dead,

Words of I’m so sorry begin a poem titled “my final dread,”

I wrote it especially for you with the words I wish I had said,

There is a second letter to replace the original one instead,

 

Guess I didn’t look at it the right way in the words I wrote,

Is it possible to say the right thing in a handwritten note,

If I was a boat returning to harbor I’d barely be afloat,

Soon I’ll leave again with your picture hidden in my coat,

 

In desperation I leave feeling this way through danger’s door,

If you get the poem and letter from Daddy forgive me, I implore,

Some think life’s love is not eternal but I’ll love you evermore,

In my life’s passing there was no man that could love you more,

 

Now in spirit I will whisper words of love in the soft wind,

I’ll be near you and your presence will help my psyche mend,

When new love comes your way I’ll bless your hearts to blend,

In my spiritual existence I’ll love and protect you to the end.

The end, by Pat to Patti.  Feb-March 1969

 

I had such difficulty writing the letter that after I finished it I typed the letter to make sure she could read my every word.  But for half an hour Patti would have received the letter into her own hands.  She checked the mailbox to find it empty and as she entered the house she caught her mother steaming open a letter that was typed.  She asked her mother “what are you doing?”  Her mother replied that the letter was for someone else and that she wanted to make sure it wasn’t theirs.  Patti got on to her for being so nosy and then worried that she may have opened my letters, since I had written my last letter by hand she didn’t realize until later that was “the Letter”.
PK